A growing sense of self-awareness

I know I can be frustrating to others, and to myself. I know I can come off rigid, tough, uptight, and it is easier to dwell on the things that need work.

It takes a lot of will-power to focus on the good in myself, while at the same time working on the negatives.

I know I am kind.

I know I am caring.

I know I am sensitive.

I know I am strong and I have so much love in me that it is bursting to come out.

“Definition of burst; break open or apart suddenly and violently, especially as a result of an impact or internal pressure”.

Sometimes the love I want to share comes out just like that.

Violently.

Not only to others but also to myself.

I erupt to the overbearing pressure.

It starts out with a small crack, and suddenly I lose control.

Monstrous.

The intention of love deteriorates. I find myself depleted and misunderstood, and it sucks.

Taking a deep inhale

I notice my shoulders are tight, I’m clenching my jaw and reminding myself to relax my forehead. It’s amazing how our bodies reflect how we are feeling inside.

The question is, Why am I bursting? Where is this internal pressure coming from? Who is this monster?

The first thing that comes to the surface: fear

It is usually the root of many acts.

The arguments I had this week all out of fear. Fear of failing. Fear of disappointing. Fear of not being good enough. FEAR in all shapes & sizes.

When I eliminate fear. When I simply say to myself, “What is the worse that could happen?” I give myself a moment to reflect on the worst case scenario. It is not what I want, but it is not the end of the world either.

Take a moment to pause.

Make the decision not to continue that argument.

Reflect.

That monster will slowly start to shrink because you’re no longer feeding it fear.

You’re giving it space to breathe. Space to understand that the word no, is not as bad as we make it out to be.

Release the pressure. Face the fear.

The less time we give to reflection, the more unresolved stories build up.

We can’t continue blaming the outside world for our struggles. Truth be told, we are the ones putting ourselves under unnecessary pressure.

Knowing when to stop or remove myself from a situation is something I am starting to do more often.

Also, I acknowledge that I am constantly trying to grow, learn and not be so hard on myself.

This week’s mantra (Fear will not control me).

Hanan Faiz2 Comments